Unless you have trouble getting oxygen to your brain, you are probably aware of the Olympics, a worldwide competition in a variety of sports. This year, I actually watched a lot of the Olympics on television.
The Olympics ended last night in Beijing, and I'd like to take a look back at them and point out a few things.
NBC sucks. NBC broadcasted the Olympics in the States, so every time they went to a commercial break, NBC would throw in a promo for one of its television shows for the fall line-up. And they all looked horrible. I can't believe that some of them even got green lighted. My Own Worst Enemy? Really? It's bad enough that Christian Slater lives one life. Now we have to give him two? Give me a fucking break. The only show that looked worse was Lipstick Jungle, which is actually starting its second season. From what I saw it looks like it could also be titled Sex and the City 2: Older, Bitchier, and Less Attractive. I'm thinking of watching the season premier and making Lipstick Jungle its own article, but I just don't know if I could sit through it without asphyxiating myself with my remote.
Olympic announcers are the biggest dickheads on the planet. Seriously, they are even worse than high school assistant principals and small town traffic cops. Every event had some self-righteous cock bag criticizing every detail of each performance, but diving and gymnastics were the worst. That bitch that did the diving coverage needed to be choke slammed off the high dive. My least favorite person had to be Tim Dagget, the douche that covered gymnastics. He had a negative comment for every single thing a gymnast did. The way he talked, you would have thought he was the god of gymnastics and could easily perform any maneuver. Hey, Tim, how did your individual gymnastics career go? Oh, that's right, you got a bronze medal in ONE EVENT in 1984. Shut the fuck up already.
Gymnastic judges hate white people. Did you see some of the gymnastic finals? There was at least one time when a Chinese gymnast FELL during her routine and still took third. Why didn't one of the white gymnasts (who stayed on her feet, by the way) move up in the standings? I smell racism.
Bella Karolyi is annoying as hell. While we're on the subject of gymnastics, I might as well bring up this guy. NBC had him on a few times after certain performances. First of all, the guy had pants on that were so fucking short I found myself wondering why they let him out of the dressing room. And even if you could get over the pants and force yourself to listen to him, he's impossible to understand. All he does is move his hands a lot and spout off italiano-babble.
Volleyball is the gayest sport in the world. And when I use the term gay here, I'm not trying to use it as a derogatory term meaning uncool. I mean straight up homosexual. Both men and women's volleyball was filled with so much same sex touching that I don't think it was aired in Texas. Each team would have a grope-fest after every point. WHETHER THEY WON THE POINT OR NOT! And did you watch them change players? The guys had to cross dicks, wait for the whistle, and then switch.
American arrogance usually leads to disaster. The American 4x100 relay team said they were the best team on the track. During the final, both the men and women's U.S. 4x100 relay team dropped the baton. Way to show American dominance, fucktards.
There's no way half of the Chinese athletes that competed were of age. Those girls were four feet tall and missing their adult teeth. Didn't anyone realize most 16 year olds weigh over 38 pounds?
Swimming is lame. The idea behind swimming is to get to the other side of the pool as quickly as possible. Athletes force their bodies to stay afloat while swimming across the water in order to touch the other end. I'm going to tell you the secret being the person to reach the other side of the pool first. If you follow this method, you will win every time. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER AND WALK TO THE OTHER SIDE! Swimming takes forever. You could walk somewhere in half the time.
Some Olympic sports aren't really sports. Let's start with archery. You can shoot an arrow across a field and hit the middle of a target? That's great, but here's the thing. It isn't 1459 and we have no fucking use for you. Moving on to equestrianism. Here's something a lot of people don't realize about equestrianism, the fucking horses do everything! And did you see the outfits those dicks wore? The helmets the "athletes" had on made them look as though they should have had their tongues against a window. Lastly, we have racewalking. Yes, racewalking. Where people couldn't succeed at anything else in life can come and compete. And here's one of the rules of racewalking, one foot must appear to be in contact with the ground at all times. So if you can fly, you can't racewalk.
They didn't air enough table tennis. I really like ping pong. It's really fun to play and actually pretty cool to watch. Professionals stand yards behind the table and send those little orange balls flying with such velocities they could kill small children. But NBC barely showed it. You could watch forty fucking interviews with Michael Phelps, but if you wanted to see some table tennis, you were shit out of luck.
Morgan Freeman is awesome. Morgan Freeman did the Visa commercials during the Olympics. Usually, there would be an athlete doing a routine of some kind with Morgan Freeman doing a voice over about the athlete and how extraordinary they were. I'm pretty sure that if there is ever a commercial about me, I want Morgan Freeman to be involved.
There you have it folks, the Jim Hates review of the 2008 Olympics.
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