I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. from a dream I was having about solving puzzles. This happens to me every once in a while and I absolutely hate it. I have no idea why I dream about solving puzzles, but I can't make myself stop. It is a miserable experience. I usually wake up feeling about as good as someone who was raped by a rhinoceros.
I got out of bed and walked into my kitchen. I was thrilled to find the four bottles of water on the table all empty. I grabbed a cup out of the cabinet, filled it with tap water, and drained it. I would usually have gotten water out of the PUR pitcher I keep in the fridge, but my girlfriend (who is as helpful in the kitchen as a person without limbs) hasn’t refilled it over a week and I’ll be damned if I’m going to crack first.
I went back to bed and spent the next two hours tossing and turning. At 6 a.m. my girlfriend’s alarm went off. She got out of bed and started getting ready to go to work. I was wide awake, so I turned on the television.
The only thing harder than trying to find something decent to watch on television at six in the morning is trying to overlook all of the plot holes in the Twilight series.
While I was scanning channels, I came across MTV. A music video was on and since I was tired of surfing, I left it. It was there I watched the demise of modern music.
The first video that came on was by a young girl named Ashley Titsdale or something. She was singing about how she did not need a guy even though she was hanging all over some guy during the music video. I'm not sure, but I think the song was called, “I'm a dumb slut and don't understand the meaning of most of the words I speak.”
The next song was by some guy who calls himself The Dream. He is a pretty big black guy, but he has the voice of a twelve year old white girl. I found him curious, so I left his video on. He was wearing what looked like a Michael Jackson costume from Wal-Mart. It was complete with glitter and a douchebag glove. The song was about being on the moon, so The Dream was standing in front of a green screen with terrible special effects. I’ve seen better looking power-point presentations. I was too busy will all of the visual problems to even hear the song.
After a twelve-minute block of Proactiv commercials, more videos came on. They were all as bad as the music they accompanied.
Some dickwad even wrote a song called “birthday sex.” The guy barely said more than two words the entire song. I’d have a joke about that if it didn’t make me so upset.
The end came with Fabolous’s (his poor spelling, not mine) “put it in the bag.” The song was about getting high-end merchandise by putting it in the bag.
Look, I’m not some fucking redneck who beats off to Chuck Norris and thinks that a woman’s only needs are a shop-vac and a personalized coffee mug, but when did it become cool for guys to rap about designer purses?
The song was just terrible. Among the terrible rhymes with no sustenance and the overly repetitive chorus, was the line “a real nigga ’posed to help you out with the groceries.”
Are you kidding me with this shit?
I’m done with pop music until Relapse 2 comes out.
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