A few days ago was Thanksgiving. For those of you who aren't in the States, Thanksgiving is when Americans get together to over eat and celebrate killing the Indians and stealing their land.
The day after is Black Friday. Besides having one of the dumbest names of any day of the year, Black Friday is when stores sell shit at low prices. People go nuts for it.
Anyway, I was home for Thanksgiving so Sister and I decided we'd go check out this Black Friday nonsense. We figured if nothing else we could at least buy something we didn't need for an extremely low price.
Most stores opened 5:00a.m. but people started lining up hours before. Sister and I drove by Best Buy at 6:00p.m. on Thursday and people were set up with tents. These people were willing to wait eleven hours in thirty-five degree weather to get into the store. What the hell could you want bad enough to stay in a tent in a parking lot for that amount of time? I'd rather spend the extra hundred dollars and not wait.
Intrigued by this phenomenon, we decided to drive by later Thursday evening. At 11:30p.m. the line outside of Best Buy wrapped around two sides of the building. Other stores that had people lined up outside were Target and Staples. Yes, Staples.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS AT STAPLES THAT PEOPLE COULDN'T AFFORD TO BUY AT REGULAR PRICE!?
We couldn't face going at five in the morning, so we decided we'd head out at ten. Let me tell you a little about what happened:
The mall parking lot was so full we had to park at Sears. If you don't know my feelings about Sears, read this.
While walking through the mall we passed Abercrombie and Fitch. This isn't a store I ever frequent, but while passing I peered in to see if I could see any Black Friday Skanks. While looking in the doorway, I made eye contact with a guy in a red vest that looked like a life jacket standing there. He nodded at me. I was taken aback, I had never seen this guy before, why was he nodding? I stopped in my tracks and watched a bit. He nodded at the next person. And the next. Someone hired him to stand in the doorway and nod at passersby! What kind of fucked up marketing meeting did this idea come up in? When we walked by again, I blew a kiss at the nodder.
Later we walked into American Eagle. Again, not a store I enjoy, but I thought I might find something for Girlfriend. As we entered the threshold I was smacked in the face by so much awesomeness I didn't know if I could stand it. The kid at the register had on a NY hat (I live in Ohio, by the way) placed barely on his head and tilted to the side. It was as though the wind almost blew it off, but realized he wasn't worth the final effort. He had on brown aviators and a blue polo that was small enough to fit an average eight year old. Beneath his right sleeve was a tribal armband tattoo. He was so trendy it made me want to vomit. We left the store.
We spent some time in various department stores and I found nothing but bitching mothers. Bitching mothers and terribly unclever t-shirts. People who write slogans for t-shirts must hate themselves and want to lash out at society by making them wear stupid shirts. If you own a camouflage t-shirt that says "You Can't See Me" written on it, kill yourself. I'm not kidding.
We also stopped at a store called Jimmy'z. We had never heard of it before, but seeing as it had 'z in the title we knew we couldn't go wrong. Jimmy'z is a store for surfers. There are bright colors, shiny things, and hemp. Here is the problem though, there aren't any fucking surfers in Ohio, there are only fourteen year old kids who desperately want to fit in.
Looking around Jimmy'z, I saw a blazer that said "North London Destroyers" on it. I thought for a while about this blazer. Is it for Destroyers that hail from North London, or for vandals whose geographical limitations permit them to only destroy Northern London? Either way, I regret not buying the blazer. If there has to be a label put on me, I'm pretty sure I want it to be North London Destroyer.
It was getting to be afternoon and Sister and I were getting tired of the whole shopping thing.
Sister - We've been in this mall for hours, let's get the hell out of here.
Me - Okay. Let's just go buy some crocs and then go home.
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