On My Way to Work: The Drive From Hell to Hell

Sometimes the stars align to fuck me over. To illustrate this, allow me to outline my drive to work the other day:

I had to be in at ten. It usually takes about twenty five minutes to get to there.

9:33a.m. I leave my aparment. I leave at this time so I will be as not early to work as possible. I don't want my boss thinking I have some kind of initiative.

9:35a.m. I pull out of my apartment's parking lot.

9:36a.m. My first red light. I turn right.

9:38a.m. I come to another red light. I am on a two lane road, but the left lane ends and the road becomes one lane after the light. I am in the right lane. Ahead of me, there is a large truck and a line of cars behind it. In the left lane there are two assholes who are going to speed up and cut off the truck. I consider joining them, but decide against being a dickhead.

9:39a.m. The truck begins to accelerate, unbelievably slowly. This is what I get for trying to be a nice guy.

9:43a.m. I reach an intersection. I the truck goes straight, I turn right. I shout profanity at it as I turn.

9:45a.m. I reach the next intersection. This is a six way intersection. I don't know who is responsible for making this decision, but I hate him. What hell were you thinking when you decided to make an intersection with six fucking directions? Squirrels aren't that stupid.

9:47a.m. I turn right and continue on my way. I come upon a bulldozer. Yes, a bulldozer. It's sitting in the middle of the road, trying to turn left. Do you know how long it takes for a bulldozer to turn left?

9:50a.m. The bulldozer turns left. (The answer to the riddle above is three minutes.)

9:52a.m. I come to the light at 2nd street. I have to get to State road, which is a block after 13th street. This means I have to go twelve blocks in eight minutes. It was kind of like that Bruce Willis movie, only I had less time, a little less distance to go and Mos Def wasn't sitting next to me speaking in an absurdly annoying voice.

9:55a.m. I pass the light on 7th street. I am in the right lane. Ahead of me (in the left lane), someone is trying to turn left. The guy behind him decides he wants to speed up and cut me off instead of hitting his breaks. I will not allow this. I accelerate, eliminating the space this guy had to get in front of me. He was forced to eat the lane. I hope he didn't have a big breakfast.

9:57a.m. There is a officer of the law in a parking lot. I have two decisions: slow down and avoid a speeding ticket or accelerating and trying to out run the officer. I've seen enough of those Police Chases shows to think I can achieve the latter.

9:57a.m. I remember that outrunning a policeman would not contribute anything to my getting to work on time. I slow down.

9:59a.m. I reach State road and turn right. I reach the light at the plaza where my Pack and Ship Store is. The light is red and I need to turn left. If I can get the arrow, I might be on time.

10:00a.m. I don't get the arrow. God hates me.

10:02a.m. I walk in the back door. My boss, of course, is sitting at his desk.

I can only hope tomorrow's drive will be just as eventful.

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