Telemarketing is for Whores

A few of the worst things in the world are bad drivers, badger attacks, and telemarketing companies. This article will deal with the last.

The Integrity Company has called me at least twelve times. The first few times I didn't say anything because I felt bad for the poor souls who were calling me. I have a friend who used to work in the telemarketing industry while in college (yes, he does in fact hate his life) so I usually try to keep my cool when a telemarketer calls.

Being a person qualified solely for telemarketing, they've probably heard the words "You're so fucking stupid I should euthanize you!" screamed at them from a million high school guidance counselors and unemployment agencies. I didn't say anything to them because I figured they're probably one or two more insults away from taking an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a drāno chaser.

However, after about the fifth call I felt no remorse for fucking with these people.

I kept the one kid on the phone for a foutry five minutes, making him repeat himself and telling me the prices of a million different plans before I told him I wasn't interested and hung up on him.

I told someone else that I had thirty seven local phone lines, twelve fax lines, and eight phone lines for international business. She said that it would cost me $513 a month with her company. I told her that I pay $20 a month with my current company and screamed that she was trying to take advantage of me.

I swore to some asswipe, who spoke so poorly I couldn't understand him, that I knew his mother and that she spends every waking second of her life regretting him ever being born.

The following is the conversation I had with the last representative who called me:

Me - Jim's House of Sin. What are you rolling with?

I should note that I only said this because I saw my caller ID. I don't actually ask people what they are rolling with, nor do I refer to my residence as Jim's House of Sin.

Telemarketer - Hello, this is the Integrity company calling on behalf of AT&T.

Me - Integrity? Hot damn, I like the sound of that. You all must be an honest bunch of people. The Integrity company, man, that sounds fantastic.

Telemarketer - Thank you, sir. Our records here indicate that you are no longer with AT&T. Is that correct?

Me - Well, you have my records. You tell me.

Telemarketer - Well, sir, I'm a part of the Win Back program. We want to Win Back your business.

Me - Win Back? That's amazing. How did you guys come up with that? Win Back! That is outstanding. Integrity and Win Back! I love that. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get that tattooed on me.

Telemarketer - Wow, really?

Me - Yeah, right on my dick.

Telemarketer - Excuse me?

Me - I'm going to get Integrity and Win Back tattooed on my dick. And the you can suck it.

Telemarketer - There's no need... You know what?

Me - Yeah, I do know what.

Telemarketer - What?

Me - You're a whore.

And I hung up.

I have yet to receive another call.

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