It was Father's Day not too long ago. Being the kind person I am, I knew I had to get my dad something.
Let me explain something about my father before I continue. One of his favorite things in the world is having a clean car. I don't know what it is, but he loves it. If he were a superhero, throwing dirt on his car would be like kryptonite and a swift kick to the nuts rolled up into one.
Knowing this, I decided to get him something that could be used to help him wash/wax his car. I didn't just want to buy him some new wax, I wanted to get him something that would last. So I thought a rolling stool would be a good idea. That way he wouldn't have to squat down to get those hard to reach places. Sometimes I'm so thoughtful I mistake myself for a saint.
There's a Sears near my house, so I decided I'd go there and look.
What a fucking mistake that was.
I walked into the front door of Sears. Much to my surprise, I was not face to face with tools. I was in front of shelves of clothes. I thought, What the fuck are clothes doing at Sears? Isn't this a hardware store? I was so intrigued that I looked around for a minute. You wouldn't believe what I saw. There was so much flannel I thought I was at a Lumberjack Fuckers Anonymous meeting. I got control of myself and pressed forward.
I finally get to the tool section. I don't feel like looking myself, so I ask some fat moron behind the counter if he has any stools with wheels on the bottom. He points one out and says he has one left. It is the Craftsman Mechanics Seat. It's twenty bucks. Excellent. This is exactly what I want. I tell the lard ass I'll take it.
When I get home, I open the box to make sure everything is all right. I pull the seat out and the fucking thing has a million scratches and stains on it. You would have thought a badger tried to kill and then shit on it. It looked disgusting. I didn't want to touch it myself, let alone give it to my father.
I got back in my car, drove back to Sears and took the damn thing back. The fat moron was gone, so I talked to some skinny dicklick. The skinny dicklick asked if I wanted to exchange it for a new one. I knew from the fat moron that they didn't have anymore, but I said I would take an exchange. The skinny dicklick went into the stock room, touched himself, and came back empty handed. He gave me my money back and I left.
I decided to go to another Sears and get the same thing. It's about twenty miles away and I couldn't have been more pissed. It was filled with the same kind of mindless fools that polluted the first one. I think the prerequisites for working at Sears are sucking on lead and having the IQ of a snow globe.
I get the seat at the new Sears and make my way to the register. The unsightly woman behind it tells me that it is thirty dollars. I tell her that the other store had it for twenty. She tells me she won't change the price. I guess she needed the extra ten dollars for Krispy Kremes. I see a five dollar off coupon on the ad on the counter. I grab it and make her let me use it. I'm getting fucked over for five bucks, but I guess that's life. The unsightly woman could not be more unpleasant. I inform her of this as I leave.
When I get home, I realize one of the wheels on the seat is stripped. Son of a bitch.
I call the place and tell them I need a new wheel. They tell me to come back and get a new one.
Livid, I drive back. Yet another idiot helps me. He tells me that he can't take a wheel out of a new box. I tell him that if he doesn't, I will steal a new seat and keep my original. He gives me a new wheel.
Before I leave, he has me sign a form for a return. I signed it "Blow Me."
When it was all said and done, my dad really enjoyed the gift. However, I will never return to Sears. I'll go to Lowe's or Home Depot. You should, too.
Most Viewed Article: I Will Fellate A Grizzly Bear Before I Go Back To Sears
Words From Fans:
"your website is nothing short of perfect"
"you rule"
"I just
wanted to say: I love you."
"keep writing...it kills me"
"hilarious entries"