Looking at Cars

Recently I went to a car dealership with my friend to check out a new car. I'm driving a '95 now and I think it's about time to update. I walk into the showroom and standing there grinning is a short, fat guy in his late thirties with slicked hair and a gold chain. If you want a more visual description, turn on COPS and wait until they arrest some wannabe pimp for punching his hoe. That's the guy standing in front of me. I was so glad I knew someone at the dealership and wouldn't have to put up with this scumbag.

Me - Is Dave here?

Wannabe pimp - Dave is no longer with us. I can help you though. What are you interested in?

Fuck. I should have faked a seizure and made my friend take me out of the building. Instead, I stupidly told him what car I was interested in and let him start his car salesman bullshit. He takes me into his office (actually a cubicle) and we began talking about options, packages, colors, and other such nonsense associated with cars.

Wannabe pimp - I've got a trainee working with me today. I'm going to bring him in and we'll both work on this deal.

Me - Usually you pay double for action like that.

He brings back this ape of a guy who mumbles a bunch of stuff I can't hear. I look at my friend and she has a blank stare, so I just ignored him. The wannabe pimp tells us he's delivering a car and that the ape will help us out. He says it'll be a good learning experience for him. Thanks asshole, I've got nothing but time to teach this douchebag how to sell cars.

So my friend and I are sitting with the ape and he's asking me all the same questions the wannabe pimp did. This was awesome. There's nothing I like more than repeating myself all afternoon. Eventually the guy ran out of question and started to sweat. He asked my friend if she wanted gum. Yeah dickhead, we came out here to answer the same question thirty times and get some fucking chewing gum. We'll be seeing you.

My friend looked confused and I was starting to get annoyed. So I asked the ape if we could take a test drive. I picked out a car and the ape said he'd go get the key and a plate. He then went to the prison, waited for the inmate to make the license plate, and came back four hours later.

On the test drive he was bragging about the car's acceleration while we were sitting behind a line of traffic. He tells me to test it out. I really wish I would've said Let's see how the airbags work too and put the pedal on the floor. I bet that asswipe would've pissed himself. Oh well, the good ideas always come to you when you don't need them.

We get back from the test drive and the wannabe pimp comes back over. The two start using words like fly, tight, and the bomb to describe the car. I hate when old people try to talk to young people like they're fly, tight, or the bomb.

The ape goes back to his cage and somehow the wannabe pimp, my friend, and I started talking about being in college. The wannabe pimp said he had a ton of fun but never got a degree at college. You can imagine my surprise.

Wannabe pimp - So what are you in college for?

Me - Biology.

Wannabe pimp - Oh. What do you want to do with that?

Me - I'd like to go to optometry school after I graduate.

Wannabe pimp - Oh that's a good business. A foot place just opened up down the road and it's always packed.

No. I must have misheard him. No one could be that fucking stupid.

Wannabe pimp - Well I'm going to go punch some numbers for you.

I look at my friend who has been giggling to herself.

Friend - I don't remember you saying anything about podiatry.

Me - He really did say foot, didn't he?

Friend - Yes. I almost laughed in his face.

Me - Let's get the fuck out of here.

And we drove away with another business card to toss in a fire.

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