I'll Prostitute My Ears For Free Coffee Any Day

The other day I was walking around the mall and a woman approached me. She explained that I reminded her of someone. I mentioned that I worked at a UPS Store in the area. She claimed she didn't know me from that but I looked very familiar. I told her that was nice and started to walk away. She stopped me, and asked if I was looking for any more work.

I became interested. I thought she had every intention of asking me to have sex with her for some type of payment.

Me - What kind of work are you offering?

Woman - I do internet marketing. I work with some very big companies.

It becomes apparent that this woman simply used the 'hey you look familiar' nonsense as an unoriginal way to shoot her sales pitch.

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - Would you like to get some coffee and talk about it?

I knew that I would have no interest in anything this woman could possibly say, but I like coffee and I had nothing better to do that afternoon. I accept her invitation and we walk over to a coffee shop. I order a small coffee. She offers to pay. I accept. If nothing else, I'll get a free coffee.

We sit at a table and she pulls out some pamphlet about her company. She basically says that big companies are trying to eliminate the middlemen and sell their products directly to the consumer using the internet. I tell her that is a brilliant idea, and sip my coffee. It was a little too hot, but I managed.

She continues to use words like revenue, kick-back, profit, marketing, and capitalize. She paused in all the right places and stressed all the right syllables. Apparently these internet scammers have a speech they rehearse every night.

She asks if it sounds like something I'd be interested in.

Me - You have yet to tell me anything about what you actually do.

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - I educate consumers about the opportunity to purchase products directly.

Me - What consumers?

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - Anyone and everyone.

Me - So you want me to believe that you walk around and tell people to buy things online, then you get paid for it?

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - Well, it isn't that simple. If you're interested you can come to our seminar and learn all the details.

Me - What does it cost to go to the seminar?

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - One hundred dollars. But you can make that money back in no time.

Me - One hundred dollars for a seminar on how to tell people to use the internet!? I'd pay twice that!

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - So it's something you're interested in?

Me - Absolutely not.

Unoriginal Woman Trying to Scam Me - What? Why not?

Me - You really expected me to fall for that? Any asshole can see it's a total scam. The only reason I didn't tell you to fuck off right away was because I'm a sucker for free coffee. Have a nice day.

I decided I'd had enough of the mall for one day.

How fucking stupid do you have to be to fall for something like that?

Listen, I'll pay you twelve dollars for every person you tell about my site.

Get to work.

Back to Main